The Learning Vertical Line

In teaching there is no learning curve.  It is a straight up and down line.  Every single day I make big mistakes and learning even bigger lessons.  I now know never to give directions to first graders without starting my sentence saying, "In a minute, when I say go."  I also know that when I open up a classroom "store" with prizes, I need rules.... such as, how long you can look at the prizes, you cannot trade (all sales are FINAL), if you whine, cry, or complain you will not get to go to the classroom store next week.  These are just a few of the things I learned today- the first day of my third week of teaching.  (The 11th day of teaching my own class... if we were counting)

Teaching is hard.  The HARDEST thing I have ever done in my whole life.  

Teaching is exhausting.  I am tired ALL the time.

Teaching is overwhelming.  I have 17 students NEEDING me at all minutes of the day.

Teaching is frustrating.  How am I going to help get all my students on grade level, when I cannot hardly keep them from talking and arguing?  

Teaching is rewarding.  

No matter how bad of a day we have in our classroom, I always get hugs.  My students remind me with their smiles and excitement for learning that it is all worth it.  So when my alarm goes off at 5:30 AM and I step into school at 6:30 AM and don't leave some days till 6:30 PM and finally finish planning for school at 10 PM before I put my head down, I have to push aside the feelings of exhaustion and being completely overwhelmed and remember why I wanted to do this in the first place.  

These students deserve the best education around.  I signed up for Teach for America, and I am taking masters classes two nights a week, so I can be the best educator I can be for my students.  

Don't get me wrong.  I still have really rough days where I want to go home and cry, or find a new profession, but it is my hope and prayer that as the weeks go on we have FAR more good days than bad, and that my students learn to count, add, subtract, read, and write just like every other first grader across America.  

We will get there.  I know we will.  

It has begun...

Wow.

I could have never been prepared for my first day of school.  1st graders are young, vibrant, happy, sad, wiggly, loud, quiet, excited, scared and everything in between.  

I feel that one teacher at my school said it best, the first weeks of teaching does not have a learning curve, it is a straight, vertical line.  I learn every single second of every single day.  Usually it is by mistakes, but that is how I learn best.  I have been constantly reflecting and changing my style and my approach so I can create a positive atmosphere in my classroom where my students trust each other and myself so that we can jump into learning and they can get that much closer to achieving their dreams. 

This week has been a rollercoaster of emotions.  I love my students already, I love their little quirks.  I love how one student can literally be wiggling and giggling with excitement and the next moment bawling on the floor.  (He is quite in tune with his emotions).  I love how one 6 year old talks to me like she is 34.  I even love my poor angry little boy who is not afraid to tell anyone how it is.  Yet, at the same time, I wake up in the morning tired, and I cannot help but think that I could have chosen another route... ANY other route in life, but I chose this.  I chose to not only be a teacher, but to teach urban children.  I chose to put myself on a career path that has an intense urgency each and every day.  The achievement gap in our country is daunting, and every single minute, of every single day is vital to abolishing it.  This is what I tell myself when it takes an hour to have my students get in line and go into the hallway to use the bathroom.  This is what I told myself the 9 times they tried to get out of their seats correctly and get in line so they could leave my room to use the bathroom.  This is what I tell myself each and every time I say, "To be responsible means to raise your hand and receive permission before you speak."  or "To be safe means to remain your seat until you have permission to get up."  ( all 102 times a day-- at least it has to be pretty darn close to that amount!)  

This is my life.  This will be my life for the next 200 days of school.  This is what I chose to get myself into.  So when I get up in the morning and ask myself "why" I have to simply reply "for the kids."   For every time I want to cry because I don't know how I will make it through the year, I get about 16 hugs.  The hugs make it worth it in themselves.  

Right now I have one day left in my first week of teaching my very own class.  It was not an easy week in anyway, but I can honestly say I have already seen growth in my students, and I know we will get there.  

Thank you so much for your support and prayers.  They are desperately needed for those low moments.   (but of course I still cherish them in the good moments too!)

Pray for peace in my students, pray that God might use me to impact their lives in a positive way.  Pray that my students excel in ways I could have never even hoped for.  Pray that I have the energy and excitement to keep up with them!

Tomorrow = My FIRST first day of teaching first grade...

It is hard to begin to put all of my emotions into words right now.  I am incredibly excited to FINALLY have my own class and teach the students I have been diligently preparing for these past two weeks.  At the same time, my excitement is also escorted by fear, worry, wonder, and an incredibly amount of humility.  

For the past 4 years I have wanted to be a teacher for urban students.  I have wanted to be part of an amazing movement in this country where all students are given the quality education they deserve.  Where the sky is the limit and students are reaching the high expectations placed on them by amazing educators.  Where every student is not seen in a negative light, but instead seen by what their futures hold.  That was me, that was the educator I wanted/want to be.  But for some crazy reason, the past two weeks of meetings, prepping, and preparing my classroom I forgot about all of that.  The humanity I so desperately wanted to bring to my students suddenly disappeared.  

Today, it hit me that instead of building my future students up in my mind I was dehumanizing them.  I was thinking of the millions of procedures I would do to make sure my students were "perfect."  I was taking the ever-present smile off of my face, and ready to "scare" my new students into being good.  

That is not me.  

I never want to be that person. 

I woke up this morning tired from a late night drive from Pella to KC (I was blessed to be part of one of my best friend's weddings... Congrats Mandy and Chad!!!)  I woke up because I knew that somehow in the last couple of months of my life I pushed God to the corner and was trying to run things on my own.  I realized driving home last night that I would not even last one day in the classroom if I tried that.  So today, after a lot of reflecting and journaling I decided I had to strip away all of the extra negativity I had suddenly developed and get back to the whole reason why I wanted to teach in the first place: the students.  

Tomorrow, when my students walk up to the door, I am going to give them the biggest smile and point out all of the wonderful things they are doing already as "sophisticated 1st graders."  I am going to be serious with them and make sure they know I have super high expectations for them.  Some of my students coming in do not even have letter-name recognition.  When they leave my class, they are going to be reading books and writing letters.  We have a lot head of us, and I am going to push my students to be the best first graders in our school, but I am going to let them know along the way how much I love them and how proud of them I am.  

That is the way it should be.  

Settling in.

So it has officially been over a week since my father and I skillfully packed up a mini van and my lovely tracer to move down to Kansas City.  It feels like a lot has happened since then, yet at the same time I am only on the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my actual job and settling in.  All week I have had chances to get into my classroom and start setting things up little by little.  I love to get a little creative, so my classroom theme this year is "Wild about Learning."  I have a lot of fun jungle things that tie into this.  I have this huge square post in the side of my room that I turned into a tree that will be our "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom" tree that our letters and sounds will move up.  I even have a song and dance to go with it after we have mastered the different blends... gotta keep things light and interesting :)  

Tomorrow, bright and early, I start new teacher orientation at Derrick Thomas Academy (DTA).  I am excited to meet everyone and learn more about my school.  I feel like a lot of questions will be answered and my worries will be pushed aside once I have a better feel for the expectations and curriculum at the school.  There is just far too much to take in right now, so I will stick with taking one day at a time.

In 5 days I will be driving back up to Iowa to be in one of my best friend Mandy's wedding.  I am so excited to share this day with her and Chad and see all of my friends again. Sadly, it will be a VERY short trip, because school starts Monday, August 15th and we have a parent open house on Sunday, August 14th.  It will be a full and crazy week, but I will live by the motto that God never gives me more than I can handle! 

A lot of things are a blur to me right now, but there are a couple things I know for sure...

God brought me here to KC to work with 1st graders for a reason.

There is no way I will be able to do this on my own. 

I am about to start one of the biggest adventures of my life and I am filled with terror, excitement, joy, worry, and hope all at the same time.  

God has a plan, and I am doing my very best to humbly follow it.  

My God is a pretty awesome God.  

And on that note, I will leave you...