Something magical

I have always enjoyed walks.  A chance to clear my head, breathe fresh air, and get my body moving.  I used to go on walks by myself with my trusty iPod as I listened to tunes and took in the world around me.  It was simple and quiet and quite simply, boring.

Then something magical happened.  I got a dog.  Not just any dog, but the happiest, most loving dog on the planet.  Suddenly my view on my walks and my view of the world around us changed.  Most days we would walk the half mile to a local park where we let Meri off her leash so she could get a little extra exercise.  Each time, on cue, she would instantly sprint in circles all around the field with the most gigantic smile (tongue hanging out and all).  It was as if for the whole walk she was holding back this joy that was inside of her all this time.  Suddenly, with the click of the leash she simply lets it all flow out of her with this massive burst of joy.   As I watch on each time I can't help but smile and feel this contagious joy.  

It's time I start allowing myself to have this joy unleashed from inside of me as well.  Take off the leash of adulthood and making sure I do everything right and simply let the joy just flow out of me.  Everyone deserves to be happy of course, but somehow many of us hold it all back.  Moving forward I am making a goal to write about what brought be joy each week.  The little things and the big things that suddenly give you this love burst, this unimaginable joy.  

Life is hard.  Not everything that I write will be filled with joy, but one thing I know is true - without deep sorrow and pain you aren't able to feel the true highs of life and the unimaginable joy that can come out of them.  

So for now let's jump, run, and dance as we let joy take over our bodies and souls each day.  

The End of the Beginning

I originally entitled today's post "Beginning to Reflect," but I realized quickly that I have been in constant reflection on this crazy year. One crazy year it was, too. I can happily say that I am no longer a first year teacher, but then again it is a little disappointing that I cannot use the "Well, I am a first year teacher" excuse anymore.

As I sit out on my porch, I feel that today's weather can play as a wonderful little example of how my year has gone. It started out a little cloudy, but the sun began to beat down by noon. Suddenly, without any warning these massive grey looming clouds drifted in and the wind began to pick up. As I stood in my classroom (I still somehow can't stay away from school on the weekend) I looked out the window wondering if I should run downstairs, because I had no freakin' idea what was brewing up. After a good rain and a long hour of sprinkles the sun came out and you would have never known a storm had come in to ruin a perfectly sunny Saturday.

My first year of teaching felt a lot like this June day. The school year started and I really had no idea what I was doing. I tried to get settled in and for a good month I fooled myself into thinking that I was pretty decent at this teaching thing. Suddenly out of nowhere I found myself one day standing in front of a chaotic classroom wondering "What in the world is going on? Where in the world did this all come from?" I felt that I had to brace myself and go into survival mode for awhile there, and to be honest, parts of my year are super hazy. This might be do to lack of sleep, overwork, or my mind saving me the pain and pushing some of those memories aside. All of the hard times made me a stronger person though, and I know that I left a change woman and my students left changed as well.

I always tell my students that we are like a family. We are together 5 days a week for almost 8 hours a day in a small room with no windows... if that doesn't bring 20 lives together then I don't know what else will. I knew that this time together would either build us up together or break us down. While in no way did we master everything, or leave a little perfect family, we did reach some big goals. As a class we mastered 80% of our math standards, and every single student left my room a reader. While I would love to take credit for all of the growth that occurred in our classroom, I could have never done it with without supportive administration, amazing teachers in the school, relentless TFA friends who pushed me to be a better teacher, parents who came in and volunteered weekly, and students who became leaders and teachers in my classroom.

Each student that I was blessed to teach this past year impacted me and left an amazing mark on my life. Through thick and thin we made it through together, and I will cherish the incredibly zany and lively class picture we took together that so perfectly wraps up the true identity of my class. For now, I will savor the fact that I did not just survive this year, I lived it to the fullest in my classroom and learned how to live and love in total new ways.

At my current school we have mandatory summer school for the teachers. I have been lucky enough to already meet my new lively crew and have spent three exciting weeks with them. While I do love the new team we are creating, I think my favorite part of summer school is standing by my door each day and seeing my proud, responsible 2nd graders run up to me giving me hugs as they head off to their new classes. They already seem so big and intelligent and it has only been three weeks. Man this whole growing up thing is going to be hard on a sentimental, old soul like myself!

So here I sit already pushing forward into a new year. Who knows what lies ahead, but I know that the support system that I have built up will help get me through anything. My prayer is that in this next year I will take the good and the bad with stride and focus completely on the students I have been entrusted with, pushing forward as I turn my students' goals and dreams into my goals and dreams each day.

Thank you for all of your support this year! I am humbled by the thoughts and prayers that have been sent my way these past 10 months.

Reflecting on the ocean

Before I jump into where I am and how I am I would like to start off with a little quote from two of my students this past week. Honestly... they never cease to surprise me with what can come out of their mouths.

M: "Ms. Vermeer! S just insulted my generation!"

Me: "S, why did you insult her?"

S: "She insulted my generation first!"

Me: pause... "Ok, wait a minute... what did you two just say?"

S: "She insulted my generation!"

Me: "Do you two even know what you are saying? Go back to your seats, you are not allowed to speak to each other the rest of the afternoon."

As I write to you this evening, I am sitting in a dear friend's condo on the beach in Grand Cayman. Spring break started exactly 26 hours ago and after getting up at 3am to fly out here I am finally settling in to enjoy every second that I can. When I walked into the condo I instantly ran out to the porch and starred at the ocean. It is so big and powerful. The moment I see the ocean I am always hit by the fact that it is so massive and I am so small.

The ocean constantly puts life into a little more perspective for me. I realize that my worries and my "troubles" are so small in the giant scheme of things. God is like a mighty powerful ocean that relentlessly pushes me each day just like the oceans waves beat in and out on the crumbling sand. God is the one that is in control, I am not. It is funny how in my normal day to day grind I forget this. I get caught up in the lists of things I have to get done and the students I have to help get on grade level. The task seems daunting, but the pressure I put on myself is simply imploding.

The education gap is not just simply something that I read about in the papers or hear on the news, it is a daily reality in my classroom. It is a perpetual stabbing in my side, reminding me each day that I must become the bridge for this gap with my students. I stand in front of them and realize day in and out that they are looking to me to be their answer. They are looking to me to help erase their gap. As a first grade teacher I already see a gap with my own students. Some are reading at a third grade level, and others cannot read simple words like up or had. Could you even imagine how massive this gap grows to be by the time a student is in junior high?

Today President Obama stepped up and said that major changes need to be made in No Child Left Behind. I agree, but what are the answers? How do we go about making a positive change putting our STUDENTS' needs first and not our own selfish ambition? It is my hope that Arnie Duncan and those on capital hill are able to sit down and consider what they need to do so that the 18 students in my room and millions of students around the country can have a dream and a hope for the future and truly believe without a doubt that they can achieve it.

Things I never thought I would hear myself say...#1 and #2

Through my first year of teaching I have found myself saying things I would have never imagined having to say in my whole life.... Here is the start of what could become a long list.

1. "C, you are NOT allowed to hurt S and make him bleed so you can come talk to me."

Being a first grade teacher there is one thing I felt I could never teach my students to do: actually sit in their seat and work without running up to me every other second. Recently, my roommate inspired me to tell my students that when I am working with a small group there are only 3 reasons they can come up to me. A) If they are bleeding. B) If they are throwing up. C) If someone is seriously hurting them.

Today I was with a small writing group and had the rest of my students in differentiated reading groups. While I was working with my group I looked around the room this is what I heard from the group right next to me:

S: "I don't know how to say this word, I am going to go ask Ms. Vermeer...(walks up to me) Me: "Are you bleeding?" (S instantly turns around to go sit in his group)... ugh she won't let us talk to her..."

C: "Quick let me hurt you so you bleed and we can go up there!"

#2 ME: "M, what are you doing?" M: (stops, and guilty starts to hand me the sock) Me: "Sick, I will not touch the germ infested sock. You may now stand on the fence for putting a dirty sock in girls faces."

Today two other first grade teachers and myself decided to put our foot down with recess rules after recent fighting and injuries. We told our students that they needed to start using their heads when they are outside and cannot just go crazy. 2 hours later we are outside at recess and when I have a little girl run up yelling "Ms. Vermeer! M is shoving a dirty sock in our face!" Here is a perfect example of how some students do not use their brains when they are released outside to recess.

It has been a long time....

When it has been so long since I have writing out my thoughts it is hard to know where to begin. So today I begin with an apology. I have so many loved ones that have encouraged me to keep this updated because they care about me and my life, and I have put this blog at the back burner for far to long. For that, I ask for your forgiveness and patience :)

It is hard to believe I am almost done with the third quarter of my first year of teaching. It is crazy to sit and think back on ALL of the changes and growth that has occurred in my classroom. In week one, I had a classroom of first graders that spent most days in tears or in fights trying to push back against all of the new difficult things I was throwing at them. I personally had NO idea what I was doing, and lived on prayer, reflection, and a lot of hard work. Today, my classroom is nowhere near perfect, but you will find students who have gained confidence, work together, and are actually READING. Many times when I get frustrated I have to stop and tell myself... "Julie, remember how you had half of class of students who could not read a word or write a word? " Now I have a classroom of readers, who work together and coach each other so they can leave first grade completely ready to be second grade readers. No words can describe how proud I am of the 20 students God gave me for this first year of teaching.

Since Christmas, I have helped one student get a much needed and well deserved IEP (Individual Education Plan), created a student who could not write a word into an actual writer who can write sentence, and helped a class who were filled with anger into a team that supports and encourages each other.

Yes, I still have students who can hardly read a book. I have first graders who shed tears over writing a sentence, but it is the small victories that I hold tightly in my grasp each day. While many teachers I talk to struggle each day to get themselves to school and teach each day in a hard urban classroom, I thank God that each morning when I see my students' smiles I know without a doubt I can make it each day. I don't work these crazy hours and push my body to the max just for me, I do it all for them, and they constantly pour out their love to me for it. Today made it all extra special as I was rewarded teacher of the month at DTA. It was an exciting honor, and I accept this with humility as I push on to make sure my first graders reach our class goal and their personal goals. I could not have done with without these kids, they inspire me and push me every day.

So I leave you with some of my favorite quotes this week. As a first grade teacher I hear MANY of them each day, and it is my new GOAL to make sure to get on my blog more often to put a smile on your face with some of the crazy things my kids say!

J: "I was thinking this weekend Ms. Vermeer, I wish you were my teacher."

Me: "Well J I am your teacher...."

J: "Yes, I know. I mean like my kindergarden teacher."

R: (While counting on his hundreds grid) "Ms. Vermeer! This is one of my two favorite things! Cartoon network and the number 49."

Days fly by...

I must start this post with an apology. It has been far too long since I have posted on my blog. The life of a first year teacher is a blur I decided. It is crazy how the weeks fly by.

Tonight as I sit on my amazing red couch, I am baffled by the fact that Monday starts my 6th week of teaching. I would like to say that my students are little angels and always listen to every thing I say, but sadly we are not there yet. We will get there though. Things are getting better every week. The students are learning that they can't get away with certain things with me, and we are jumping into more curriculum. I am learning as well. Every week I learn from mistakes and feel more comfortable in my new role as a classroom teacher.

While the last month has been a blur, the month ahead will fly by even faster. The next two weekends I will be leaving Kansas City for two weddings. Next weekend I will be hopping on a plane to Denver where I am lucky to watch two amazing people get married. I am SO excited to see my "family" from San Francisco and catch up with old friends.

The next weekend I have the honor of standing up for one of my best friends, Danni. I am excited to see all my closest friends from high school as well as my mom and dad for the day. God knows exactly when I need the comforts of home. It is always nice to have these moments planned to help me get through those rough days.

I hope that this post finds you all well. I hope that you have had the chance to slow down and see God working in your life. It is pretty humbling to stop and realize how awesome our God is.

Rollercoaster

Teaching is a rollercoaster.  There are so many twists and turns and ups and downs.  

I am an emotional wreck at times.

This job is harder than I ever imagined.  I think that I had this big dream that it would be different for me.  That my students would actually listen and inspire to be anything they can be.  That my students would become driven to all achieve amazing things in my classroom, and we would blow all of their test scores out of the water. 

Instead, I have students that cry, throw fits, flip tables, and yell all because they don't want to do a simple worksheet.  For most of the students, they are upset because they cannot do it.  They don't get it.  They cannot write, they cannot read, they cannot count...... you name it, they struggle with it.  So how do I help them?  How do we get past the fits and tears to actual learning? 

I have found there is no magic pill.  No matter what I do, tomorrow I will not have 19 students silent in their seats all excited to do math problems or write for me.  That is asking the impossible though.  I have to realize that learning is a process.  Trust is a process.  There will be no learning in my classroom until my students trust me.  

SO, tomorrow I will greet my students at the door, and do my very best to continue building trust.  I will encourage my students and push my students with the hope that someday along the road this year a light bulb will click and each student will finally believe that he/she really can learn.  

Till then, I will pray that God gives me the patience and courage to walk into school each day and help my students slowly reach their dreams.